Birthmothers

I have found myself growing a heart for the women in China.  I have asked questions to those who have lived there, read some books and articles on the ‘one child policy’ rule and learned a little about Chinese history even before that policy became law. It is all just whetting my appetite for more understanding.  Now it’s not just history or current events, it’s personal. 

Just like any of us, the people of China are susceptible to the powers of culture and government. And while deep in our hearts we may stand in strong opposition, sometimes we just cannot fight.  I have to wonder if this is what has happened to many women in China in the past and even now.  I hesitate to go into many of the details I have learned as I don’t want to misquote or mislead, so if you are interested in going deeper and want just one source, I recommend Xinran’s book Message From An Unknown Chinese Mother. The author was a journalist in China for many years who also hosted a radio show.  Over her time interviewing people and exerting her amazing ability to ask questions, she found women who were often reluctant, but finally willing to share a part of their life they had guarded as closed for so very long.  Their stories are like nothing I have heard before.   While she shares it took her a long time to relive the memories of the stories she shares, Xinran summoned the courage to do so for the sake of the adopted daughters of China. 

As many of you know, it is common for birth parents to leave their children, especially if it is a girl or a child with special needs.  All adoptive families are required to watch 12 hours of adoption related seminars per request of China.  In one of the seminars they warned us about making up stories about our child’s background.  We are going to know very little about her/his history and so it might be tempting for us to paint a picture that will not be too sad for our child.  I don’t want to make things up to sugar coat their story, but I do want to give an understanding of potential reasons why our child’s story started the way it did. There is also the perspective of a Chinese woman, chronicled by Karin Evans in her book ‘The Lost Daughters of China’. The woman was raised in Beijing, coming to the States afterwards and claimed “I think there is not the looking inward in China that you imagine, especially for those in poverty. People are too busy surviving.” While there may be truth to this, this just shows me a circumstance that contributed to the numbing of women’s hearts, but does not reflect the innate bond between a birthmother and child. And while this is one woman’s description, there has been plenty written by other Chinese women that express a turmoil and tragedy in leaving their children that after hearing, leaves you with the feeling of a stone in your gut.

I’m imagining that after we bring our child home, after some time we’ll be back out doing our life together as family.  I’m also imagining someone with intentions to reveal a sentiment of how precious our child is might say something like “How could a mother abandon this little one?”

If this happens to be you, I apologize in advance.  I can forsee I might rise quickly to the defense of my child’s birth mother who somehow managed to go full term with her pregnancy, with pressure to do otherwise.  I might share that she is a woman who birthed a beautiful child of God and upon finding the child to be a girl potentially convinced those in cultural authority over her to spare the child's life thus facing severe consequences. And finally, she is a woman who had to make a potentially agonizing choice most of us will never come close to facing.  Xinran shares near the end of the book "So, dear children, that you are alive and thriving today is because your mother challenged social conventions, oppression and ignorance to give you that gift of life." 

 

So, basically, I think she is pretty amazing.  I grieve the fact that my child and my family will very likely never know her.  I would love to speak grace and honor into her life and show my respect of her as a woman and also as a mother.  As of now, I suspect she likely feels the deepest loss and shame imaginable.  Either that or, out of desperation has numbed her heart to feel nothing.

If you are able…will you pray for our child’s birth mother? And also for her birth father? We have no idea if they are rural/urban, if our child has siblings, or their status in the culture or any pressure they are facing even now.  We probably will never know.  But Jesus knows.   

More than anything, I want them to know their value in the eyes of God.  Jesus Christ went to the cross to lift the exact burdens they are carrying. I desperately want our child’s birth family to know that He forgives them and that they can turn to Him to salve their wounds and strengthen them for new life in HIM.  We might even be so bold as to ask God to equip them to be a part of making wide and sweeping changes in their country in the name of what is good and right.  

I don’t know how to manage overpopulation or confront centuries of cultural beliefs that are less than life affirming.  I don't believe our family is in a position to be responsible for those decisions, but I will now begin praying for those who are.  And there are many Chinese who are actively working to make changes that are good for the people in their country.  I do believe that every person is created in the image of God and he cares deeply for each soul he knits together.  So, with that in mind, we press on and know the position we ARE in.  And right now, that is to take care of the orphans.